What was that? Oh, you want to know why I’m doing this? Hahahaha. You idiot, don’t you know that a good villain never explains their intentions in a situation like this? I’ve seen enough movies to know that you’ll just try to distract me while you try to cut through the rope I tied you with. Or is it because you think help is on the way? Whichever it is, what a mistake you’ve made. You see, even if you managed to cut the rope, you’d still be stuck in handcuffs. And chained to the wall behind you. What? You only noticed those now? My apologies, I thought you were smarter than that. Oh, and even if your precious friends are on their way, they’re going to the wrong place. You really thought I wouldn’t notice the tracking device in your coat pocket? Or that I wouldn’t be smart enough to get rid of your phone before bringing you here? Good gracious, you truly are dumber than you look. Now I’m starting to feel a bit bad… Just a little though, so I won’t be letting you go until I get what I want.

Hm? Oh, yes of course I’ll let you live. Killing is against my morals. I’ll make absolutely sure that you’ll be found, safe and sound. I’m not a monster. Why are you so shocked about that? Did you really think I was going to poison you, puncture your lungs and dump you in some lake? Oh dear, what kind of a villain do you think I am? I’m an evil genius, not some ‘I want to commit the perfect murder’ – type of serial killer. Well to be fair, maybe the word ‘genius’ is a bit much, but you get the point. And technically, the only thing that makes me ‘evil’ is that I chained you to this bunker’s wall. I didn’t kidnap you since you made your way to me on your own. I have never broken the law in any way before this.

No, I haven’t. No killing, torturing, kidnapping, or threatening anyone. I have never trespassed on anyone’s property. I’ve never even jaywalked for heaven’s sake! But that is beside the point. I’m getting too riled up for my own good. Oh? What did I do then, you ask? Did you really just ask me that? Do you have any idea who I am or what I do, or were you thrown on this case because you’re a secret agent? God, whoever briefed you on my files did an absolutely horrendous job. But, before I eventually let you go, I might as well talk. I did make sure you’d have no chance of being found here, after all. So, listen closely, you moron. I don’t like to repeat myself, and for the love of everything pure in this wretched world, don’t interrupt me.

So, you know how some people just don’t listen. At all. I’ve told my mum time and time again to stop rearranging my room when I’m away. I have a very specific order in there, which gets disrupted every time she opens my door. She just messes everything up! It’s not like my room’s messy or anything, either. It’s not even what some might call a controlled chaos, oh no, it’s very rigorously organised. To the tiniest, most insignificant detail, like how my sticky notes and pencils are categorised in my desk drawer or which thumb tacks I use for which papers on my bulletin board. I’m sick and tired of cleaning up after he- … what? Why are you laughing, this is serious! Yes it is! Do you even know who my mother is, you insolent fool? No? Thought so. Well, you actually do know her. Not by her real name, but her codename: Lily. Yes, Lily, your boss. She’s my mother.

Ha, I wish I had a camera, your face is hilarious! Oh dear… But yes, Lily, the head of your agency, is my mum. She’s the best agent in the country, but she can’t keep her hands off our cleaning supplies for three seconds! Like just last weekend when I went for a run. I was out of the house for no longer than thirty minutes, but she managed to rearrange my entire wardrobe. I still can’t find my favourite hoodie, but mum thinks that it’s “not a big deal” or whatever. What a load of bull- huh? Oh, you only came in after my retaliation. She refused to leave my stuff alone, so I snatched her favourite necklace. She has taught me a thing or two about opening a safe, so it was all too easy. That could count as stealing, so I guess I did break the law once before you and I met each other. But then again it’s not like I’m not going to give it back. Once she promises to stop messing with my stuff, I’ll give her the necklace.

But all things considered, I do have to apologise for dragging you into this mess. Especially about, you know, chaining you to the wall and all that. Mum likes to use me as a test opponent for new recruits, so I can’t say that I’m surprised she sent you after me, but I’m still sorry. Mum trained me to be an agent, but since I don’t work for the agency, people don’t connect me to her all that easily. Anyway, that’s enough about me. I’ll untie you in a moment, but first, I’d like to ask one question: would you like tea or coffee?