Autumn has fallen again. 

Or, I guess literally, not quite yet, but mentally I, for sure, am very much there. 

Do you know the feeling when everything is just so much, and you don’t quite know what to do or where to go to alleviate that feeling? That has been me for a while. The feeling comes and goes, quite like autumn and spring, sometimes just crushing on you like the heavy rains of October and then suddenly vanishing away, much like spring here in Finland comes and banishes winter in the span of two weeks. Then, it’s sunny for a while again before autumn inevitably kicks in, just before winter really settles. 

That has been the university experience for me. I came in thinking I was going to do this and that and it was going to be so great, only to have my plans foiled by life kick me in the nuts… multiple times. This has led up to me having multiple crises throughout the years I have now spent in university. Every time I think things are now sorted and I can relax, something else comes up like BAM! NAH, and I am back to square one and panicking again. I guess the general advice of ‘well, you have survived everything up until now, s,o why couldn’t you also survive this’ is somewhat comforting, but sometimes I really wish I could just catch a break and things would just bloody work out. 

Anyway, things have been slightly building up again for a while. I do try to look at the bright side, where the multiple issues I’ve had before have been taken care of, but why must there always be something else? Something new? To come up and cause stress? It’s actually quite funny when you sit and really ponder on it. 

However, I notice something has changed within me. Whereas before feeling like this would’ve made me freeze for a while, have me running away from autumn and winter much like Snufkin does in Moomin, I have now found myself feeling ready to take things on and figure things out. I have spent today troubleshooting my issues (and actually handling some of them) and I have created new plans for my future which have gotten me excited. So, whilst the fear of the long darkness that winter brings with it is still looming about, I think I feel the readiest I have ever felt in facing it head first. And being rather okay whilst doing that.  

Realising this has manifested in quite a literal sense as well: I told my partner just a few days ago that for the first time in years, winter and my usual seasonal depression aren’t scaring me; that I’m actually looking forward to the darkness, this time ready to make it feel cosy like Christmas times always felt like in my childhood. I am ready to see the beauty in winter instead of just sitting there, feeling miserable and waiting for summer for months on end.  

I know winter is, again, going to kick me in the nuts – but I’m actively trying to go into it prepared for that, and maybe prepared to not just see the bad and the pain and the anxiety. Much like the future plans I made today, the promise of winter and its eventual ending feels nice. And helps. I’m not sure life is ever going to be just smooth sailing, but maybe it doesn’t have to be. Maybe in the midst of the stress things can also be nice. It can be both. Maybe life and the seasons aren’t as tied together as I seem to always think, but it’s kind of all at once. And there’s some comfort in that, too. 

Or maybe I’m wrong and desperately lying to myself in order to survive. I’m not sure but I’m definitely ready to find out, when autumn inevitably falls again.