On a first date with one guy we didn’t run out of things to talk about even though our coffees were finished hours ago. “You’re just… this whole vibe you’ve got going on is just… wow” he said while generally gesturing in my direction. We decided to go for a walk around town when we had been sitting in the cafe for long enough to start getting dirty looks from the employees. On that walk, we still didn’t run out of things to talk about. When we stopped at a park by the seaside to look at the sea, he had his hand on the small of my back. When he pulled me close to kiss me it sent the butterflies in my stomach into a frenzy. On our second date the chemistry was even more evident. We had fun, he laughed at my jokes and when he met my roommates he was jovial with them. After getting to know each other on a more personal level (read: biblically), when he had barely caught his breath, he checked the train schedule and left about as fast as he could.

Another guy, another first date, another cafe. He asked me a lot of questions and listened to my stories. I don’t think we had sat for more than five minutes when his expression betrayed that he could have devoured me right then and there. We ended up going for drinks after, since it seemed like we had a good thing going. It was right after Christmas so it wasn’t outlandish of him to invite me over for mulled wine later, although I absolutely knew we were not going to get to the wine any time soon (stares into the camera like I’m on The Office).

I’d categorise a date that ended up lasting about 24 hours as pretty good. On the second date we made pizza and watched a movie at his place, and the fact that neither of us really knew how to properly make pizza dough made things more interesting. The third time we saw each other, he held me tenderly in his arms, caressed my hair and after sweetly kissing me asked “So what kind of thing are you looking for?” Emotionally constipated as I am and poetic as I try to be, I giddily told him such cliches as “I just want to feel loved and wanted” after which he proceeded to tell me that he really wasn’t looking for anything more serious than friends with benefits.

Another pretty standard first date, at a coffee shop chatting away. We ended up going back to his place to “watch a movie”, went through at least 3 hours of “movies”, and almost immediately after he told me he should get started on some work stuff, essentially telling me to get lost. I did see him again, and it went about the same as the first time. This one’s on me though, you can’t be perfect all the time (or alternatively, a girl has needs). But it did feel good when I texted him after that “for future reference, maybe don’t throw your dates out like that. Makes you feel less used, you know.”

I dated another guy for about two months and I thought everything was going at least semi well. We could talk about anything, he was sweet and gentle with me. When he suggested we take a day to discuss our relationship, I thought there was a relationship to be discussed. Turns out I was wrong. “You’re a nice girl and all, but I don’t really see this going anywhere. We could still keep seeing each other, but I might dump you the moment I find someone better. Also our sex life is boring.” Okay, I may have paraphrased a little.

Every time I’ve thought “Oh, this is going well, hopefully something will come of this” I’ve been put in my place almost immediately. With a certain group of people it’s almost expected that regardless of what kind of relationship you’re looking for, you will settle for whatever crumbs the other is willing to give you. Yeah, I know you’re looking for a more serious relationship, but can’t we still hook up whenever I want to? Going out on a date? I can’t really be bothered, can’t we just stay in?  A serious relationship? No, I can’t commit to something like that, but we can still keep seeing each other. Hey, where are you going? I thought you were interested!

I wanted to edit my dating profile. I wanted to convey that I wasn’t looking for hookups or any other casual arrangements (see above for reasoning). I started to write something along the lines of I’m not looking for anything casual, friends with benefits or anything similar. Then I realised I was writing this on Tinder, laughed out loud, and closed the app.

When I was a teenager and started being interested in dating, I had grand dreams of someone falling deeply in love with me (to be fair, teenage me’s dream man was Edward from Twilight). When no one had shown any interest in me for years, I started to dream of someone at least liking me, they didn’t even need to love me. When years went by and nothing happened (it wasn’t for lack of trying, trust me) I had become desperate. Please, sir, spare a glance in my direction, just once.

Having been on the dating apps for so many years (with no luck) has probably made me bitter. One would think that people would be interested in dating on dating apps, but I feel they have become a catalogue for hookups and nothing more. Some are better than others, but essentially they’re all the same. Besides, if people actually found relationships on there, they would delete the apps which would lead to the shareholders of said apps losing revenue, and we wouldn’t want that.

We all know that dating apps are not for the faint of heart and that using them is often miserable. And yet, there are some like me, self-described hopeless romantics, who, despite all of this, still try. There still are those of us who want to experience romance and deep emotion, who have always dreamt of a big love story, and those who want to be loved truly, deeply, just as they are. And maybe that is waiting for us at some point in the future, but it sure as hell isn’t going to happen with someone from Hinge who doesn’t ask questions other than “Your place or mine?”