Student Severely Beat Up After Being Found Using A Calculator"The police are investigating the case of S. Tuary, a German philology student who was roughed up bad on Thursday afternoon. Eyewitnesses to the assault claim that Tuary was seen using a calculator only minutes before the mugging. These so-called 'calculus crimes' have become an alarming trend in campus violence lately, and even though the habit of using science equipment and solving math problems is frowned upon at the Faculty, any suspects of such behaviour should be interrogated and reprimanded through official Faculty channels instead of an unofficial inquisition of hard science haters."

Question Asked During History Of American Literature Lecture "Professor Ben 'Boring-Auring' Auring was caught off guard after a student asked him a question during his infamous monologue in the history of American literature class. The very fact that someone was still awake after passing the lecture's halfway mark was baffling enough, but when that someone decided to ask for clarification on a subject regarding Thoreau's Walden, the Professor was struck silent with bewilderment. 'Never in my day has anyone ever interrupted me during a lecture', commented Prof. Auring after the disgruntling event. The student in question has been given an official warning and an extra dose of sleep medicine. The Faculty is concerned about the possible implications of this matter: 'Next they're going to come up to me and say that they want to learn something. I'm a professor of literature, not a miracle worker', Auring fumed."

Prospect Of Getting A Job Scares Soon-To-Be Graduates "MA and BA degrees are more and more potent currency in landing a job with good pay and career prospects, claims the employment office. However, not everyone is happy about this, least of all the students who are getting nearer to finishing their degree. 'I didn't come to the Faculty of Arts so that I could get a job, quite the opposite!' said a flustered French student, who's graduating with an MA in May 2008. Her opinion was shared by a number of her fellow students. 'Employment is not a traditional value of a humanities student. Our students graduate to become freeloaders and hermits; the bile our society uses to fertilise its very foundation', commented the Dean. The Faculty is taking every precaution necessary to ensure the graduates' transition into unemployment. A crisis hotline has also been established."

England And France Still At War In The Faculty "Even though the American and French Revolutionary Wars are two hundred years in the past, the fighting continues in the Faculty of Arts. The feud began when the new interdepartmental corridor was founded last month. The fight is ultimately over who claims control over the new space. However, a research faculty formed by members of both departments has also joined in the fight, claiming that they wish to separate from the larger departments and create a new coalition altogether. A new problem arose today, when the original occupants of the corridor (the Department of Native American Studies) started taking sides. The fighting is brutal and several text book -related injuries have been treated at the nearby health station."

Dispute Over Big Donation To The Faculty Of Arts "The late professor Harry Hancock's trust fund has donated over 50,000 euros to the Faculty of Arts. Being used to poverty and scrounging around for cash, the faculty staff now faces a conundrum: should they use the money to buy new books, rent new space and maybe let the students use blank sheets of paper for a change, or should they just blow it all away in a crazy drinking binge. The students are unanimously in favour of the second motion. 'We're fine with second-hand writing paper and outdated study material. I hope the staff has a great time and won't return for a while', said the spokesperson of the student union. The debate among the staff is currently on whether to spend the money on hard spirits, hallucinogenic drugs, a trip to Disneyland or a combination of the three." [tags]faculty, arts, employment, science[/tags]