Here are some movies that never made it, thank heavens: Lost In Translation II: Karaoke Time Action director Roland Emmerich (Independence Day, Godzilla) brings us the sequel to the overrated 2003 Oscar-winner Lost in Translation. Bob and Charlotte are back in Tokyo, and they are all over each other. However, while singing karaoke in the glass elevator, something goes terribly wrong. The elevator stops, and the loudspeakers echo a warning that terrorists have seized the building. Bob and Charlotte fight their way through explosions, gun-wielding bandits and saved-at-the-last-minute situations, until finally they get out of the building into the waiting arms of the Tokyo police department. The movie doesn’t have a plot, but neither did the first film. Because the highlight of the original film was Bob's whispered sentiment to Charlotte in the last scene (what Bob said was never divulged to the audience), all of the dialogue between the two in the sequel is done similarly. This way the audience has no idea what the two are saying, but they should gather that it’s something deep and meaningful. Roland Emmerich makes sure that the explosions are capital and hunky-dory, and a lot of patriotic speeches are heard throughout the movie, but, as they're performed by Bob most of the time in an inaudible whisper, the viewers are left guessing. Scarlott Johansson returns as Charlotte, but Bill Murray is replaced with the more youthful James Van Der Beek (from Dawson’s Creek) to keep the budget low and because the full-frontal nude scenes would have been too gory with Murray, had he been cast as Bob.

Alien 5: I’m Game If You Are Sigourney Weaver reprises her role as Ellen Ripley. This time, she is cloned from human and alien cells, and all her body functions are controlled by cybernetic systems. So in fact she’s an alien-human-android. Most of the tension in the film is spawned from Ripley’s internal struggle, because she hates humans, aliens and androids (not necessarily in that order). Newt, the cute little girl from Aliens, is back too. She’s been cloned from human and manatee cells, an odd decision by the script-writers, who are no doubt rooting for the grand prize of “Ugliest Movie Character Ever” by Rolling Stone magazine. The plot revolves around Ripley’s struggles to understand herself and Newt’s hideousness, but there’s some pretty decent Alien action too. For the first time in the Alien-series we get to see a human-alien sex scene. Many things that have baffled fans of the original quadrilogy are explained in this sequel: What’s the deal with the slime? Why is Ripley such a bitch? If one of the little aliens jumps on your face, why can’t you just keep your mouth shut so they can’t inject you with the embryo? Why are the aliens so aggressive all the time? Why are there never any fast food restaurants around? The movie paves the way for yet another sequel, since the very last scene depicts Ripley with a positive home pregnancy test in hand (yeah, it was her in that sex scene mentioned earlier).

Jurassic Park IV: What? ANOTHER Island?? Yes, the dinos are back. And so are Alan Grant, the palaeontologist, and Ian Malcolm, the eccentric chaos theorist. When the last movie ended, we were left with the assurance that a sequel would be made and that it would happen on the same island. Well, in an optimistic plot twist the creators decided to leave that island be (in hopes of continuing the franchise after this flop-proof sequel) and created ANOTHER island as the playground for dino-mayhem. The plot is the same as ever: “Come see our island, it’s great!” say the scientists, “I don’t feel good about this,” says Grant, and “We shouldn’t play God,” says Malcolm. When the crew lands on the island, boy are they in for a surprise. The witty scientists have enhanced the genetic make-up of the dinosaurs and fitted them with vocal cords. This, apparently, has also altered the dinosaurs’ dispositions too, enriching the cast with several groovy dino-sidekicks. We have the ghetto-born Dilophosaurus (the spitter), voiced by Chris Rock, and some of his great quotes include: “Yo Rexeh, ya trippin’?” and “You just hate me ‘cause I’m yellow!”; the clumsy and stupid Stegosaurus, voiced by Sir Michael Caine with his vivid cockney accent; the sexy but evil Velociraptor, voiced by Sharon Stone; and the fearsome Tyrannosaurus Rex, voiced by James Earl Jones. Through the course of the movie we find out that T-Rex has some good inside, and at the very end redeems itself by killing off the evil emperor. Dr. Grant makes good use of his bullwhip and never seems to lose his hat. The movie also presents a love triangle between three Brontosauri, two male and one female. In the end it’s revealed that one of the males and the female were, in fact, siblings and, to make matters worse, the long-lost children of T-Rex. The movie is directed by George Lucas.

The States Game - A Michael Moore Document Oh hurrah, Michael Moore is back with another of his fascinating documents that will, yet again, have the audience screaming desperately: "Who cares?" This time, in a quizzical twist of logic, Michael Moore attacks the US state system, claiming that "...there are just too many! We're drifting apart! Damn you President Bush!" Moore travels around the states and manages to capture a lot of stereotypes on tape. For instance, in New Jersey he happens to find the only person who actually speaks in an Italian accent. After a lot of embarrassing Sopranos-questions, Michael Moore concludes to the camera that "With so many states in the US, is it no wonder that President Bush approves the Italian Mafia and other criminal organisations?" In San Fransisco Michael Moore stumbles upon a hippie, the prototypical citizen of San Fransisco (ok, in the 60s, but still). After interviewing the "hippie", he finishes by saying "This is what the abuse of drugs and a dim-witted President will do to people struggling with memories from their youth. Oh yeah, and there are too many states in the US." The movie is a shocking amalgam of half-truths and leftovers served on a rusty platter made out of one man's personal vendetta against his country. It's all so passé that even the most avid oppositionists of the current administration will shake their heads in disgust. [tags]jurassic, park, alien, lost, in, translation, sequel, moore[/tags]