Dear Jane Yo! E.T.!

There’s no easy way to put this so I’ll just be blunt. It’s over, baby. God I’ve waited for this moment. Let me just take it in. Hold on a moment. Here we go: WE’RE DONE!

It isn’t you, it’s me. It’s all me. It isn’t you, it isn’t me. It’s Angela, Sarah, Jess, Tina and all your other friends who knew how to properly please a man. Talk to them, woman, maybe you’ll learn something!

I guess we just drifted apart. Lately your dancing and your night shifts at the hospital have really taken their toll on our relationship. It’s like I can only see you for five minutes a day. I can’t take it, baby. Seeing you for five minutes a day is five minutes too much, you buffalo. And what’s with the belly-dancing? It’s like watching an earthquake at a jelly factory. For the sake of mankind, stop it. It’s all six sides of disgusting.

I’m gonna miss your laughter, your smile, your beautiful face, your parents, the way you talk in your sleep, the way you skip when you’re happy and so much more. You laugh like a fat, sea-faring, shit-monkey with a fart cushion for a larynx and a laughed-out joke for a brain. I guess you got your looks from your parents, you Neanderthal. You three are like the missing link between a blue whale and Jabba the Hutt. Oh, and here’s a tip. When you go to sleep, put duct tape over your mouth. No one gives a damn about your prattle while you’re awake, and you can be sure that no one gives a damn about it while you’re asleep either.

You deserve so much better than me. You should plan your future with someone who can truly appreciate your beauty and your generosity. You deserve someone with low standards; someone who can appreciate the fact that your body looks like a fucked up parody of a Picasso painting painted by a drunk five-year-old; someone who can bear the embarrassment of being associated with you.

I hope that you’ll find it in your heart to remember me fondly. I did love you. And that night after Valentine’s Day 2005 is still, baby, the greatest night of my life. I hope you forget me soon, shouldn’t be too difficult even for you and your two brain cells. Oh, and remember the night after Valentine’s Day 2005? I faked it.

Yours sincerely Choke

Dr. Jekyll. Mr. Hyde. [tags]Jekyll, Hyde, dear, Jane[/tags]