The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.

	Aries March 21 – April 19 Who would propose without a ring? Your boyfriend, that’s who.
	Taurus April 20 - May 20 God is definitely a Packers fan, which is why you will have trouble at the Pearly Gates this week.
	Gemini May 21 - June 21 You already know that you’re always the one to get the word out. Now you should know that that’s the reason you’re always being told to shut up.
	Cancer June 22 - July 23 A disturbing truth comes this week when you see your life being told through a Twilight Zone episode and you realize that things are a lot more normal in the episode.
	Leo July 24 - August 22 Instead of using your powers for good this week, you will continue to fill your horoscopes with snide comments and bad jokes.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 Learning dating moves from a porno movie is not the best idea. But, hey, it’s a start.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 The mild winter will cause you to wake up early from your hibernation. Hunger will cause you to eat the first person you see.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 After finally being treated with the respect you deserve this week, you will wake up a happy person and realize that life sucks but dreams are worse.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 This week, crossing your t’s and dotting your i’s will help. But you’re still illiterate.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Your knowledge of politics and philosophy is indeed impressive. But you really should get something else to talk about on a Saturday night.
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 The stars suggest that you take a break from thinking this week. You’re really not very good at it anyways.
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 You will achieve personal satisfaction this week when you attain enough worth for Zakk Wylde to come to your house and personally kick your ass.

[tags]horoscopes, january[/tags]