SUB ry, voted by me as having the worst name for a student organization ever, is the name of the religious sect of the Department of English student body. If you’ve checked the HYY calendar, you’ve probably read the description for SUB, which explains that we organise parties, game nights and other fascinating stuff that makes you yawn like never before. Elections for the board of 2008 took place a week ago. New members joined, new positions were established (some taken directly from Kama Sutra) and we even got a new chairman and vice-chairwoman. One thing didn’t change, since it’s been a given for the past five years: I’m still there as the webmaster. Yes, I’ve been around for a long time, and before you can make any funny quips about how sad my life is, I’ll retort by saying: “I know.”

However, being in the board for so long has given me a spectacularly exclusive insight into the inner workings of the organisation. I’ve learned a couple of things that make my stay in the board worthwhile: First of all, there’s money. I mean, there’s money. HYY wants to believe that we’re not in it for the money, but, baby, we are. Secondly, there’s perks. I mean, there’s perks. And not just the “one free beer at a party” or “here’s 1€ for your efforts, buy yourself something nice”. There are some real perks, which should never be brought to daylight, but I will. I’m gonna tell you all about them, because it’s time for me to come out of the proverbial closet.

SUB is a non-profit organisation, meaning we can’t actually have any money lingering around that isn’t budgeted. We’ve done well so far, mainly thanks to our ingenious accounting system, which uses loopholes and fake receipts to impersonate legitimacy while at the same time we ride in the carriage of fraud on the roller coaster of all-inclusiveness. The skim, which is the money we take off the top of every incoming currency that goes through our organisation, keeps the board healthy, wealthy and youthful. You might have heard of the board’s annual Nuuksio trip? Well, it’s completely financed by our illegal actions. Actually, the whole cabin has been purchased with the 1.2MEUR that SUB skimmed off a particularly successful Christmas party back in 2004. Also, since we are the biggest, the leanest and the meanest language organisation in the Metsätalo campus area, we sell protection to the smaller, pathetic groups that reside in the building too. They’re all afraid of us, and they should be. It’s been two years since I last chopped any fingers off, and I’m aching to do it again soon.

Ah, then there’s the perks. The skim and the perks go hand in hand, because the one breeds the other. The Nuuksio cabin is a self-explanatory perk, but we also have other stuff too. Private jets, hotel suites, laundries, pawn offices and even some government offices are all run by SUB members or alumni. I’m not boasting or exaggerating, that’s just the way it is.

As our enforcement team we have the SUBmarines, who are a militarily trained section of greedy gay men, ready to strike fear in the hearts of infidels. We also have the SUBstandards, a group of freshly recruited first year students, who get the blame if we’re ever caught by the authorities. Our devilishly creative accountant team is called SUBsidiary, and our legal goons are the SUBpoenas.

So don’t be StUBid, SUBstandard or a SUckerB, but join our ranks! We need fresh SUBmeat around, so that we can SUBensure our SUBurvival into the next SUBdecade. SUBplus, you’ll learn how to make SUBeverything seem so much SUBcooler when you add “SUB” in front of SUBevery SUBword. [tags]sub, hyy, illegal, money, perks[/tags]