Toxic Positivity

Everything happens for a reason. It’s one of those sayings that just gets thrown around constantly. And I must say that holding on to small slivers of hope can help us get out of bad situations. If there’s even a bit of a silver lining, keeping your eyes on the road and your heart hopeful isn’t quite as monstrous of a task as it would be without it. It’s how you keep going. In the face of despair, we cling to the happiness that follows, or has passed. Happy memories, the chance of a better future, growing up, getting over it. It’s what we all do, right?  

I sure do. I remember telling myself as a pre-teen that once I grew up, I would understand why I was feeling the way I was. I lived in denial. Of course I knew what depression was, but I of all people couldn’t be depressed. It would all pass on its own, I thought, once I grew up. I would understand why I was treated so horribly, why I was laughed at, kicked, and pushed around. I thought it would get better, so I concentrated on the hope I had in my heart. It was a very natural coping mechanism. In hindsight it’s easy to say that getting lulled into the false security of that thought back then was the biggest mistake of my life. 

Positivity can turn toxic very, very fast. Sooner than you’d think. At first, it’s the “everything happens for a reason”, then it’s the “others have it much worse off than I do” and eventually the “let’s not think about that, it doesn’t matter, it’s all in my head, I’m fine”. You start to ignore your problems, thinking that they don’t matter as much as the problems of your loved ones, peers, or even those of complete strangers. Running away from your problems becomes such a common occurrence in your life that you barely catch yourself doing it anymore. Many of us end up gaslighting, and essentially, abusing ourselves. It’s hard for others to notice, though, because we seem so positive on the outside. We keep on smiling. 

You know the type, don’t you? The bright, bubbly, and happy-go-lucky people we encounter in our daily lives. “I’m fine” or “I’m good” is what they always say, isn’t it? They hardly elaborate, but because they seem to truly be fine, you pay it no mind. They seem to be very aware of all the struggles around them but have never mentioned any of their own. Because of all people, why would they be struggling? The people with the brightest smiles and warmest hugs don’t seem like your stereotypical suicidal person, do they? But they could be, just not as obviously. 

Now, don’t get me wrong. Just because someone doesn’t like to talk about their problems and seems to smile all the time doesn’t mean that they’re hiding some dark, sad, or violent thoughts. Not at all. But because we simply can’t tell if someone’s struggling or not, we should be very careful. Most of us don’t pay all that much attention to the language we use on a daily basis. We’ve always heard these sayings and phrases, like the aforementioned “everything happens for a reason” so they come to mind in their respective contexts. That is one of the reasons they’re so dangerous. We’re so used to them that we don’t even notice the meaning behind them. But we should. 

We need to remember that mental health is just as important as physical health. Feelings shouldn’t be repressed or censored because someone else has it worse. Is it all in your head? Maybe, but does that mean it’s any less real? No. No it doesn’t. Your feelings, memories and experiences are real even if you can’t physically touch or see them. Of course someone in the world has bigger problems than I do, for example, but does that mean I’m not allowed to feel a certain way? Of course not. Whether or not we have a roof over our heads, a loving family and friends and food to eat does not dictate how we should feel. It’s ok to feel like shit. Occasionally. We’re human beings, we have feelings, and they go from good to better and worse. No one is happy 24/7. No one is active 24/7. 

Sometimes we’re forced to be active even if we don’t feel like it. Our lives as students are filled with lectures, assignments, and exams, and it is important to take a breather once in a while. So, instead of saying “I don’t have time to think about this right now” you put away your books and your laptop and you truly think about it. If only for a moment. Cry if you need to, scream into a pillow or text a friend. Go for a walk, maybe. Whatever you feel like is the best way to sort your feelings out for the time being. 

Naturally, getting professional help is the best solution in the long run. Therapists know how to answer your questions and to sort your feelings. It is their job. Sadly therapy is not accessible for everyone, because therapists don’t work for free, and lately they’ve all been booked and busy due to the pandemic. Still, I advise you to talk. To whoever you can. A school counsellor, a parent, a partner, your diary. You don’t have to go through your struggles all alone. 

I wish I could go back in time to tell my pre-teen self all of this. There wasn’t a good reason for what happened and there never will be. I still don’t understand why I was bullied. Some things teach us valuable life lessons and some just absolutely suck. And that’s all there is to them. No lessons, no personal growth. Just mean words and unfair treatment, neither of which you should ignore or run away from. That’s exactly what bullying is. There’s no justification for it. It’s traumatising. But there are people put there who are willing to help. And remember this: forcing yourself to be positive is not going to help now or in the future. Your feelings are valid and completely justified. You’re not alone. And for the love of God please stop saying “everything happens for a reason”, because some things truly don’t.