Most OUTRAGEOUS revelations from the new Prince Harry memoir that SHOCK and DISGUST the entire proud NATION of Britain.
This is Sears Gorgon, coming out with a new update on the vile memoir that scientists say is the sole reason for the death of our youthful, rosy-cheeked queen. I have now personally read, as in received a summary of this book from one of our interns, and some matters that have come to light are so HORRID and DISTURBING that I see it as my civic duty to report on it like any good, ethical journalist.
1. HARRY HAD AN EXTREMELY PRIVILEGED CHILDHOOD
This matter was especially shocking to me, knowing that all the other royals we like more had pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and achieved their status with their charm and wit and je ne sais quoi. Harry on the other hand, had several nannies (while rest of us usually only have one!) and got bathed by one until he was 13 (God I wish!)
The first hitch in his life only seems to have happened when his mother, the enchanting Princess Diana, died. I wipe a tear from my eye as I remember sitting on my father's shoulders, seeing her for the first time as we attempt to sneak into her yacht to get the inside scoop into her skincare routine. Miss you, pops. You remain my journalistic inspiration.
Honestly, I don't think Harry ever felt as deeply about it as I did. He did not even cry for the cameras as they made him walk behind her coffin. A first sign of a future narcissitic?
2. HARRY IS RACIST
To think that an empire built on lovingly colonizing most of the known world would produce such a racist is unthinkable, but Harry manages to surprise us all with his bigotry. First, he dresses up as a nazi, then calls his friend a slur. Unbelievable, and the fact that he got away with is also another sign of his immense privilege. Most of us have to write op-eds about the sanctity of women's bathrooms instead of getting to say what we truly think :(
3. HARRY’S MILITARY SERVICE IN AFGHANISTAN IS DISGRACEFUL
Not once did he even attempt to attach the country to the Commonwealth despite seemingly following the instruction manual. For shame!
4. HARRY DOESN'T LIKE HIS OLDER BROTHER
What is there not to like about Prince William? His family is adorable, and the shining globe of his head reminds me of the sun rising from behind the earth, bringing Britain a new day.
Harry appears to disagree. He illustrates how William is always out to get him, from trying to stop him from starting Invictus games because it would outshine him to threatening to physically restrain him and shave him because he did not get to keep a beard for his own wedding. Most ludicrous part is when the brothers fight over Africa. William doesn't want Harry to do charity work there because "he already has war veterans and Africa belongs to him." In my opinion, they should have done it the old-fashioned way: taken a ruler and split Africa into sections. Why fix what isn't broken?
Harry also describes how during an argument concerning William's dislike for Meghan, he attacks him and causes Harry to fall violently on the ground, breaking a dog bowl under his back. Honestly, the ginger probably had it coming. Everyone hates their wife, trying to stand up for them just makes you look obnoxious.
5. HARRY IS A FRIENDS AFICIONADO
Harry brags about watching every episode of Friends in 2013 - those are some rookie numbers for someone who claims to love Friends. Talk to me when you have a Central Perk tattoo on your arse (e-mail me for pictures of the masterpiece).
He also fancies himself a Chandler when he's clearly a Rachel.
6. HARRY MEETS MEGHAN MARKLE AND SHE INSTANTLY STARTS WHINING ABOUT BRITAIN'S FINEST
Miss Markle is notorious in her opposition to free speech such as our honest reporting on her occasional waterboarding of Duchess Catherine and her use of crushed baby skulls to achieve her pearly white smile, but now she has taken it to whole new dimensions.
Prince Harry relays that Miss Markle was upset that after the revelation of their relationship, reporters almost chased her off the road, slept in their cars outside her home and paid her neighbor to get cameras directed at her bedroom. This was absolutely appalling to me. Why did they not try harder?? I would have expected one crafty fellow to crawl under the floorboards to get in and photograph her entire collection of knickers. A personal handshake from Robert Murdoch would have only been a matter of days after such a feat.
Luckily, the new UK law draft they are working on should make it possible to bulldoze down the walls of celebrities if they refuse to be photographed, and I for one hope they will generously apply it to the royal family. If I cannot get a multi-angle photoshoot of the penis of the most topical royal, is the monarchy even worth it?
Editor's note: this article represents only the view of Mr Gorgon. We at DAILY STAR are PRO monarchy and will still support it regardless of presence or lack of explicit photographs depicting royal genitalia.
Fortunately, Harry does describe his todger for several chapters’ worth, sating inquisitive citizens lie me for the time being.
7. HARRY AND MEGHAN MARKLE CANNOT STOP OVERREACTING
Later in the book, Harry describes messages his wife received that contained racist epithets, detailed and meticulous instructions to take them both out during their wedding, and some just containing Meghan's address and list of what an unknown assailant will do to her the next time she gets home.
Clearly, Miss Markle is once again being the hysterical woman we know and hate. She knows nothing about the real world. Nowadays, there is actually nothing more dangerous than being a straight white male, especially one that is for free speech and bravely questions vaccines. Take it from me, Sears Gorgon, who gets called a wanker at least once every time I leave the house. I truly fear for my life which is why I hired the very security team that got pulled from Prince Harry.
Why not call Oprah to protect since you love her so much? Teehee.
8. HARRY AND MEGHAN LEFT BECAUSE THEY WERE OUSTED AND ARE NOT COMING BACK
The most despicable thing of all is that these punks are not planning on returning to England, resuming their roles and titles and keeping on serving the nation. Do they have no idea how much of an unflattering photo or a hit piece on Meghan got us when they were still royal? Selfish, ungrateful brats.
And as for the ousting, if your own grandma, father and brother are trying to push you out of the door, one ought to just utilize that good old stiff upper lip and stay anyway because family is family, blood runs thicker than water, and blue blood? Well that is the most delicious, I mean most precious of them all.
