Her

You talk about her the same way I talk about you
Your eyes light up and your smile is brighter than usual
And you bring her up so often with me
Just like I bring you up so often with others
Your wallpaper is of you and her
While mine is of me and you
You go to sleep holding her
And I go to sleep pretending my blanket is you

I’ve gotten really good at hiding it
I can beam and say I’m really happy for you
And I know you believe me
Because I’ve been practicing for years
I ask the right questions
I give the correct reactions
I’m good at pretending
Even convincing myself in the moment that
I
truly
am
happy for you.

But the second you leave my house and I shut my front door I fall on the floor and sob
And the tears won't stop
I cry and bawl and weep and wish more than anything that you were there to comfort me
But that wouldn’t help because I could never tell you the truth, my best friend who tells me everything and who I tell lies
And also because the tears are your fault and my fault and my immaturity’s fault
And I can’t ever tell you because I can’t lose you and I can’t distance myself from you after all these years and
and
and

And when I start thinking these thoughts
And my heart sinks a little lower
And feels like it’ll stay there forever
I know it’s time to go to sleep