PART I: The Origin Of Everything From A To M.This is an exhaustive encyclopedia that explains the Origin of Everything the BTSB-way. Advertising – When it was found out that caveman Bob could kill the woolly mammoth with less effort than the other cavemen because Bob used ThruYou-spears (Just Skin It) and custom-designed leather moccasins (Strut Like A Dodo, Bite Like A Sabre-Tooth Tiger).
Beer – When the blind monk posse of Dom Perignon was trying to create the perfect drink, beer was the result of the first batch. It was deemed good, but drinking it resulted in brawls, hooliganism and phlegmatic behaviour the next day. The second batch was, as we all know, sweet delicious champagne. All the monks agreed that champagne was “da bomb”, but soon it was embraced by the social elite and the wealthy, and since the monks were neither they decided to continue their experimentation. By the third batch they perfected the process and created tap water, a drink most sought after by those who had quaffed large quantities of the first and second batch the previous night. The monks were blind(er) with happiness.
Chuck Norris – When women started to dream about sexual equality, the myth of Chuck Norris was created by the conservative male population as a reminder that men are, and always will be, of the superior sex.
Depression – When all of the male population had to face the stark reality that they could never measure up to Chuck Norris, they lapsed into various states of depression. Before that, depression had been a woman thing and was thus not important.
Everything – When God sneezed, Everything Began. It has been said that when God ultimately wipes his nose, Everything Will End.
Female objectification – When God, on a whim, decided to increase Eve’s cup size to 36DD and saw that it was good.
God – When Eve, being born with a flat chest, went and got breast implants, she had to make up a wild story about God and female objectification to keep her in Paradise. With her new ample bosom she could lure Adam into climbing that tree and grabbing that sweet-looking apple for her.
Homosexuality – When everyone was confused by the damn wigs in the 17th century. The tights and the make-up didn’t help either.
Internet – When Johannes Gutenberg invented the movable type, he was canonised as the father of modern printing technology. But a lesser known fact is that Gutenberg also created a system where authors could share their information (called a Profyl) and write short messages to each other via an interlinked system of printing presses called Ye Inter-Printing-Press. These inventions are considered as the true antecedents to what we know today as the Internet. Gutenberg’s innovations never got wind in their sails because the general public consensus was that kids spend too much time in front of printing presses anyway.
Jazz music – When the classical pianist Dixie Bop Jazzmaninoff in the late 19th century accidentally played a whole bar in the wrong tempo, the wrong key and with all the wrong notes, he had to cover up his mistake to the press and claimed that he had created an entirely new music style, which focuses mainly on playing wrong in the right way. And the rest is history.
Kings and Queens – When the ancient custom of having sex with your family members was frowned upon due to the amount of deformed people being born from such relationships, monarchy was created to give a royal, and sometimes heavenly, blessing to the act. This partly explains why people of royal ancestry are generally hideously ugly.
Law – When all the loopholes that made society the wonderfully unpredictable pot of boiling water that it is were bound together in one big, thick book. Having it all between one set of covers made it easier for the judge to find new, inventive ways to set the rapist free and indict the victim for prostitution.
Mankind – When an alien race called De’Nim, 80 million years ago, pollinated the earth with billions of pear-shaped seeds. These seeds then grew to be the ancestors of all flora and fauna today. Humans, on the other hand, were not the evolutionary result of a long chain of primates picking flies off each other in a much parodied manner, as Darwin suggested. The first two humans were actually De’Nim prisoners from the planet Thisisallbul’Lshit, and they were much hunted because of the funny orifices their bodies were adorned with. Lucky for us and random warfare, they managed to escape their captors.
Part II of The Origin Of Everything [tags]origin, everything, beer, mankind, internet, monarchy[/tags]