Godspeed, Gabriel, Say Hi and Don’t Look Back

Jason was on it again. Man, I hated him sometimes.

“It doesn’t take much, does it,” he said as he set down his fifth beer, “for a mind to just snap? Just break apart. Come undone.” He looked me straight in the eye and shook his head. “It could be something simple like someone bumping into you at a wrong time. Bam. You go berserk on that poor bastard. Or it could be something like hitting your elbow on a doorframe or something. You could take it as a sign of the whole frigging universe being against you, man. Or – or it could be just windy weather,” he continued, waving his arms around as he often did when he started to get carried away. “That happened one time, you know. To me. Walking uphill on a bad day and it gets windy as hell and suddenly you break down and cry. ‘Cause, you know, when you’re this far, it could be the smallest thing. And you’re just so – so tired, it feels like you don’t have the strength to walk that uphill. Can you believe it? A big guy like me. Beaten by the wind. It doesn’t take much, honestly. Not much at all.” Jason sighed and let his arms drop to his sides.

“And you know what?” he continued in a softer voice, eyes cast downwards. “You know it’s stupid. You know the universe isn’t against you just because some asshole bumps into you and doesn’t even apologize even when it’s clearly their fault. And still you just go crazy. It’s that easy. Bam. Snap. Mind gone. It’s actually quite amazing, huh? How fragile the mind can be? Or maybe it’s just me. I don’t even know anymore, man. Could be just me. Who knows. Not me, that’s for sure.”

Jason picked up his beer again and finished it. I figured he had had quite enough already, but he got up and poured himself a glass of wine. The guy must have been at his mother’s purse again to have that kind of money.

“Is this all because of Gabriel?” I asked and regretted my words immediately. Jason turned towards me and suddenly the sad resignation was replaced with burning anger.

“I know it’s stupid, ok? I know. It’s just a frigging goldfish. Is it even a goldfish? I don’t even know anymore, man. Geez. A fish. Thing. Gabriel is gone, that’s all I know.” Jason flailed his arms around again as he spoke and spilled wine all over his floor. He didn’t seem to notice. ”It’s just a fish. Just a stupid, little fish. But you know what? I loved that fish, man. He was just, you know, always there. I get up in the morning, Gabriel is there. Unlike that girl from last Friday. Hah!” Jason spilled more wine as he laughed. God, I hated him when he got like this. “What’s her face – Lizzie? Is that a name? Lisa? Lizy? Lizzzzzy? I don’t know, man. These chicks weird me out.”

Jason sat down and sipped his wine. His anger seemed to have disappeared as soon as it had flared up. He bit his lip and stared pensively at the glass in his hands.

“But Gabriel, man,” he said and sighed again. “What bad did that poor fish ever do to anybody? Honestly. You know turtles can live for decades? And not just those huge-ass sea turtle things, but small pet things, too. Why do they get to live so long, but not Gabriel? Why would someone stick a turtle on this god forsaken planet for decades and then kill a poor fish in five years? I don’t get it, man. It’s all screwed up. But maybe it’s better there. Not being in this rotten place. Goodspeed, Gabriel. Say hi and don’t look back. Ha. Haha.”

That stupid fish. Why did I ever think it was a good idea to get Jason a pet? The guy was a nutcase. And I was nuts enough to be his friend. What a pair of tools. Jason seemed to read my annoyed expression and suddenly he stood in front of me, shouting in my face:

“Hey, I’m not the first depressed person ever, ok?” he yelled, spraying spit and wine over me. “I’m not the only person in the world who feels like this! And sometimes, you know, I just don’t do things. ‘Cause all my energy goes into getting out of the frigging bed. So, I get up and then I’m like ‘uh what now?’ and there’s no one to give me an answer, so I just do my best, ok? I just – I don’t know – get up and do what I can. It’s not like I’m the only one!” Listening to him rant on like this, I thought back to that time when Jason socked a guy in seventh grade for looking at him the wrong way. The guy was nuts. But even as his hands balled into fists right in front of me, I wasn’t afraid. Jason glared at me for a moment and then slammed his fist on the table so that the empty beer bottles shook against each other.

“So what if I drink a bit too much?” Jason continued, now pacing around while shooting daggers at me. Like a lion in a cage, waiting for the right moment to pounce on its keeper. “What if I sleep past noon? Who are you to judge me, huh? Like that girl when she saw my dishes. What was her name? Liza? Anyway, her. You all just mind your own frigging business, ok? ‘Cause I’m minding mine. So, just buzz off. Just buzz off and leave me alone.” Jason’s voice broke at that last part. He seemed to have run out of steam.

“I loved that fish, Tony,” he said and collapsed back into his chair. He buried his face in his hands. “I really loved it.”

“I know, man.”

Jason kept his face hidden in his large palms. I wondered if he was crying but didn’t say anything. I drank my beer and checked my phone. Two missed calls from my girlfriend and six unread messages from various people. I had meant to just stop by at Jason’s. Why had I accepted his invitation for a beer? I’m an idiot.

“Hey, Tony?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you believe in heaven and hell?”

“I don’t know if God is that interested in goldfish.”

Jason burst out laughing at that. He lifted his head and while his eyes were dry, there was certain tell-tale redness in them.

“That might be a good thing.”

“Want me to help bury Gabriel?”

“Mum and I already did it,” Jason said. “Under the apple trees at my folks’. You remember those.” Mrs Smith had the patience of an angel. My mum used to flush my dead fish down the toilet when I was a kid.

I walked up to Jason and gave his broad shoulder a squeeze. We opened new beers in silence and turned on the tv. There was a basketball game on that neither felt too passionate about. We spoke little. Eventually I got a very frustrated phone call from my girlfriend asking me to come home. Jason and I hugged somewhat awkwardly as I was leaving.

Rest in peace, Gabriel, I thought while Jason and I held each other. I tightened the embrace a little before letting go and then headed out. Rest in peace and don’t you worry.

Artwork by Danielle Amorim.