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(c) Elizabeth Oakes

(c) Elizabeth Oakes

NB Writes A Freelancer's Lifestyle Blog

Three Months of Self-employment, a Retrospective

Three months into this writing thing and I can hardly believe it. I feel so lucky! Of course there have been setbacks. I haven’t had time for as much of my own writing as I would like. In fact, I’ve been suffering some serious writer’s block in that department since I started this gig.

But good news, I’ve secured my third regular client in as many months! This little anniversary has occasioned some serious reflection. I want to share some of my thoughts with you guys, but I hate those Five Things I’ve Learned listicles. So instead I thought I’d bring you my three funniest moments from the first three months of my career as a writer.

(c) Elizabeth Oakes

(c) Elizabeth Oakes

1. Maru-chan helping! She actually sent an email to a new client. That was hard to explain! Haha!

2. That time my crazy ex (hur hur, which one? I know, right?) hacked me, erased my almost completed and deadline-looming Kentucky real estate article silo, and sent pictures of my tits to clients. The joke’s on him ‘cause my face wasn’t in those pictures. So guess who looks like a rando perv now? Seriously though, never let him catch your face in a picture with your tits in too. Not even if he says he loves you. Especially not if he says he loves you.

3. Everybody has that uncle. You know, the one who’s crushing cans by noon and snorting lines off a hooker by midnight. The one with a little business smuggling drugs across the border in the cooling block of his hog. Who suffers from mild to severe hydrophobia, but not as much as you suffer from his hydrophobia. The uncle who lives free.

When I was ten Uncle Mikey kidnapped me in an attempt to make it across the Mexican border after the cops busted up his gang. He’s in jail now. I get so nostalgic remembering that road trip.

When one of my clients refused to pay on a delivered project, I saw it not as a stressful challenge to my budding business, but as an opportunity to underscore my status as force in the copywriting field while experiencing once more the sort of fun I had with Uncle Mikey. In any freelance field, success hinges on having a sharp eye for opportunity!

My buddy and I spent a day as collections agents. I’d always dreamt of having my “goon” “persuade” a delinquent. As well as being a strong business decision, it was a great bonding experience with my friend. In this business, sometimes you have to step outside the law to get things done and realize your dreams!

What are some of your funniest writer or freelancer moments? Tell us in the comments!

Happy Monday everyone. Be sure to swing back by the blog on Thursday for my article about invoicing strategy. I promise it won’t be as dry as it sounds!

posted by nb. at 9:00 a.m. Monday, 17 March 20150 comments

(c) Elizabeth Oakes

(c) Elizabeth Oakes

Sent Messages March 17, 12:21 (5 minutes ago) To: Fairfield Cowton Re: Laser Nurse

Dear Fairfield,

I am responding to your add for an Aesthetic Nurse because I am very good at playing pretend in a manner considered pleasing. And let’s face it, in these degenerate later days, the concept of aesthetic has been entirely conflated with pleasing.

Can you remember a time when being an aesthete was synonymous with being an adventurer? I can’t, but I have read about it. If Wilde could don a kimono; write a play in French, a language he only sort of knew, about a princess who subverts the male gaze by seducing her stepdad into chopping off a prophet’s head so that she can make out with it; and then go home to bugger an English lordling, I can certainly put on a white mini-dress and a jaunty little hat and “perform good faith exams” in order to “further my experience.” Wilde’s play was banned and he was jailed shortly after for “unnatural acts.” I too am willing to go the distance in service of aestheticism.

You will see on my resume that my career has been largely military. I have honed a number of transferable skills that I believe make me a strong candidate for this position, such subject subdual and control and interrogation techniques. I have no experience as a nurse, but I can say that almost every girl from my small hometown is now a nurse. I’ve made it this far; I know how to pretend.

Furthermore, you “are seeking an energetic, warm and friendly person who is passionate about aesthetics.” I don’t have to tell you that this could be just about any woman in this society with its relentless mandate to “smile” whether you just found your beloved missing cat’s crushed body by the side of the highway on your way back from the local coffee place earlier this morning, or whether you are currently pondering Minamoto no Yoshinaka’s tactics at Awazu and constructing your own sally against Noriyori in which the fields flow ankle deep with the thick blood of your enemies. I have many years experience appearing aesthetically pleasing no matter what I am thinking, experiencing, or doing. I am confident in my ability to maintain a coolly sophisticated and professional manner while wielding a laser to remove every last hair from the massive stable of clientele I will “cultivate” for you.

I am ready to create new horizons in aesthetics. I am ready to subvert the paradigm from the inside and raise aestheticism again to the strange heights where it belongs, high above mere pleasantry. I am ready for adventure. Don’t hesitate to contact me, night or day.

Yours most sincerely, Nicole Beaumont

P.S. I look pretty good in latex, if that is the aesthetic your clinic is after.

15:50 nb. has signed into spazchat.

15:52 BadNeko says: hi!

15:54 BadNeko says: hi?

BadNeko says: what’s up?

BadNeko says: I said heeeeyeeey heeeeeyeeey, I said hey, what’s going on!

15:55 nb. says: nothing.

BadNeko says: I was just thinking about you…

nb. says: i was just thinking about eating a cheese sandwich.

BadNeko says: ...just remembering ...certain things. ;3

nb. says: cheeeese.

15:57 BadNeko says: what are you doing this weekend?

nb. says: eating sandwiches. working on my novel.

BadNeko says: Hey, guess what trina and I did last weekend?

BadNeko says: betcha can’t!

15:59 BadNeko says: you’ll never guess! :P

nb. says: ate cheese sandwiches.

BadNeko says: we built the FlameCycle.

BadNeko says: it was Epic. there was Topless jousting. trina took on this huge beardo! we totally defeated the chvnkers with our superior hotness.

nb. says: did anyone catch on fire?

BadNeko says: hehehe, you’re so dark. :3 dark but sparkly. ;)

BadNeko says: wanna ride a void moose?

16:02 BadNeko says: ...cause I know how you like it… hehehe jk.

BadNeko says: I was thinking this weekend you could help me trick out the FlameCycle, void moose style!

16:04 BadNeko says: I wanna take it up the heights and make a video. ;) y’kno

nb. says: why not do it with Trina.

BadNeko says: she’s gone this weekend. work conference or something.

BadNeko says: cummon, I’m le bored…

16:05 BadNeko says: you know it’ll be fun. I’m always fun. ;P

BadNeko says: hmmm, you remember… :3 <3 meow

nb. says: oh look, a cat with an ice cream cone.

16:07 BadNeko says:, this weekend?

16:10 BadNeko says: nic?

BadNeko says: silence = yes hehe

nb. says: MFing cheese sandwich time.

16:10 nb. has signed out.

Sent Messages March 17, 19:57 (2 minutes ago) To: Naomi Beaumont

Hey dude, Sorry I haven’t been up to visit for a while. I hope the cards are making it through ok. Last time I visited your nurse complained about some of the pictures. So I’ve been scanning them and emailing a version, but I remember you always liked to get real mail. Whatever, your nurse has no taste, not an aesthetic nurse. I bet you’ll like the cards I made. Tentacle Monsterpocalypse, remember? My woodblock technique is really improving. What do you think? It’s ok, you don’t have to answer right now. Remember that vacation in BC when we spotted that cave halfway up a cliff? You didn’t even hesitate; you climbed right up. I could see where you were finding handholds, so I scrambled up right after you. But then neither of us could get back down! The cave was pretty narrow, but you squeezed in. I guess it was only a few minutes, but it seemed like we wormed our way through there for an hour. The thick air smelled like dirt, and all I could see was the dim shape of your shoulder. You held onto my hand, but you didn’t look back. You just kept trucking. Like Mom always said. Then you whacked through some hanging vines and we came out on a green hillside. We could see the ocean glinting through the trees. You took this big breath, and then we raced down the hill. I think you let me win, but that’s ok. I feel like I’ve been squeezing through a tight place these days. I gotta keep pushing on to get to that ocean view, but the universe has been doing its best to make me look back today. It’s alright to remember though, if that memory helps you keep moving forward, right? How are you doing dude? This is card number 498, so you owe me one. Write me back when you wake up! I hope you wake up soon. Love, yr Lil Sis

Bud’s Naughty Spewer - intransigent? - w4m (hawthorne / belmont) posted in Missed Connections at 02:13 on March 18, 2015

I spotted you outside Bud’s puking your organs out. It was 2 p.m. I have never seen someone with such perfect focus, such presence. It was arresting. You wiped bits of your stomach lining from your lips with the sleeve of your leather jacket. My heart fluttered. You were intent on what you were doing - you may not have noticed me. I definitely noticed you.

You seemed like a simple kind of man. The kind of man who had one love in life and was clear about it. The kind of man who would do anything for that love. A man with his priorities straight. To think you have arrived at that level of self-knowledge so young.

I can think of several things you might do in order to get a steady supply of that love from me. Think about the sacrifices you make for it now, then think about what it’s worth to you. My apartment is as clean and warm as I am cold.

I hope we can see each other again. Contact me and put the color of your puke in the subject line.

(c) Elizabeth Oakes

(c) Elizabeth Oakes

Scribbles from a Leather-Bound Notebook

Interview with Caitlin Barán, President of SUB

Interview with Caitlin Barán, President of SUB