Outfit: Each hobo can choose to sport the colours of his own choice. Smearing your clothes with vomit and faeces is generally considered to be in the good nature of the event.

Contraband: Belts, new clothes, clean face, breath mints, self-dignity.

Prizes: The hobo who gathers most points in the Hobolympics will be awarded with first pick in the shoplifter’s paradise of the Central Railway Station stores. Second place hobo will earn a week’s right to sleep in front of the heating vents of Erottaja. Third place hobo will get a “Scrounger of the year” award and a stipend of three sausages and an old boot.

Location: Mainly around the Central Railway Station area of Helsinki. Just follow the urine trail.

Opening ceremonies: Opening ceremonies will be held in front of Kiasma Art Museum. Susie Shit-fingers will screech the anthem, “Penny for the blind, mister? Oh fuck you, you high-class snob”, after which the patron of the games, Jack Ewwwwhatsthatsmell, will give his speech titled “I stink, therefore I am” to the hobo nation.


100 yard hobble – The contestants are to make it through the lobby of the Central Railway Station from the west door to the east door. Trash cans, empty beer bottles and tourists are scattered around the lobby to provide distraction. The winner is the hobo who makes it to the goal (first). Extra points are awarded for mumbling incoherently throughout the race, bladder control, scrounging a three course lunch from the trash cans and avoiding the security guards. Points will be deducted if the contestant passes out, gets thrown out, can’t find the Central Railway Station or if the contestant runs.

Beerlifting – The contestant who can stuff the largest amount of stolen beer around his clothes and his body without being detected by security guards is the winner. Extra points will be awarded for the creative use of body orifices, returning to the judges with all bottles intact and unopened, picking a fight with random customers and for mumbling incoherently throughout the task. Points will be deducted for shoplifting anything but beer or getting caught by the security guards (but if the hobo can talk himself out of the situation, they will be awarded bonus points).

Hobothon – The hobo must hobble his way through various checkpoints around the centre of Helsinki, for example Kiasma, Church of Agricola, Viiskulma, Kaisaniemi Park and Stockmann. Since not one hobo is expected to make it to all of the targets, the winner is the hobo who makes it farthest before passing out or excreting. Extra points will be awarded to any hobo who makes it farther than 100 yards from the starting point, mumbling incoherently throughout the race and for making rude and random comments to passers-by. Points will be deducted for starting off in the wrong direction, taking a bus or a tram (actually buying a ticket results in immediate disqualification) and for asking directions.

Special awards:

A case of beer is awarded to the hobo who manages to lose most teeth during any event. Three slips of toilet paper are awarded to the hobo with the worst smell. Second-hand earplugs are awarded to the hobo who gets caught by the same security guards over three times. A paper cup is awarded to the hobo with the worst bladder control. A paper plate is awarded to the hobo with most imaginative targets for urination (live targets earn extra respect). [tags]hobo, olympics, helsinki, railway, station[/tags]

Horoscopes for November 12, 2007

In Appreciation Of Humanism