Horoscopes for March 23, 2009

The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.

Aries Aries March 21 – April 19 You know… if the stars were a few million years younger, they might just think about taking you out this week, you pretty little thing, you.
Taurus Taurus April 20 - May 20 If it wasn’t for literacy, the stars wouldn’t have to be doing this.
Gemini Gemini May 21 - June 21 The stars hate to be the bearer of bad news but this week will be the best week of your life.
Cancer Cancer June 22 - July 23 The stars just have to ask this week: What’s the point if you’re placing all your faith in faith instead of the stars?
Leo Leo July 24 - August 22 You will lose all respect for the Romans this week when you realize they are the ones that invented wallpaper.
Virgo Virgo August 23 – September 22 The stars must apologize this week for giving you nice horoscopes over the last few months. They promise to be more offensive in the future.
Libra Libra September 23 – October 23 It will hit you like a ton of bricks this week when you realize that the position of the stars all just boils down to gravity.
Scorpio Scorpio October 24 – November 21 It’s no longer about right or wrong this week. You’re wrong. You are always wrong.
Sagittarius Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 In the most outrageous act of misguided frustration ever, you will build a time machine this week just to go back and teach a younger you some really great jokes.
Capricorn Capricorn December 22 – January 19 The stars ask you to discontinue your TV show this week because, unfortunately, it’s the tattoo culture at large that suffers from your jackassery.
Aquarius Aquarius January 20 – February 18 So what if you got two chins? The more the merrier, right?
Pisces Pisces February 19 – March 20 The tipping system should be drug into a back alley and shot. Stew on that while you're waiting tables, Pisces.

[tags]horoscopes, march[/tags]

The Silly Story

Horoscopes for March 17, 2009