Horoscopes for March 23, 2009

The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.

	Aries March 21 – April 19 You know… if the stars were a few million years younger, they might just think about taking you out this week, you pretty little thing, you.
	Taurus April 20 - May 20 If it wasn’t for literacy, the stars wouldn’t have to be doing this.
	Gemini May 21 - June 21 The stars hate to be the bearer of bad news but this week will be the best week of your life.
	Cancer June 22 - July 23 The stars just have to ask this week: What’s the point if you’re placing all your faith in faith instead of the stars?
	Leo July 24 - August 22 You will lose all respect for the Romans this week when you realize they are the ones that invented wallpaper.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 The stars must apologize this week for giving you nice horoscopes over the last few months. They promise to be more offensive in the future.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 It will hit you like a ton of bricks this week when you realize that the position of the stars all just boils down to gravity.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 It’s no longer about right or wrong this week. You’re wrong. You are always wrong.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 In the most outrageous act of misguided frustration ever, you will build a time machine this week just to go back and teach a younger you some really great jokes.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 The stars ask you to discontinue your TV show this week because, unfortunately, it’s the tattoo culture at large that suffers from your jackassery.
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 So what if you got two chins? The more the merrier, right?
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 The tipping system should be drug into a back alley and shot. Stew on that while you're waiting tables, Pisces.