Horoscopes for October 29, 2007

The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.

	Aries March 21 – April 19 This week will be like all the rest as your boyfriend continues to act like an idiot.
	Taurus April 20 - May 20 Dreams will finally be realized this week so remember to wear clean underwear to school everyday.
	Gemini May 21 - June 21 You will render the phrase “no rest for the wicked” false this week as you finally master the ability to kill in your sleep.
	Cancer June 22 - July 23 You will feel shame for the first time this week. Get used to it because the stars reveal that you are about to make up for all that lost time.
	Leo July 24 - August 22 You’ll try to piss on the kitchen floor to make your point this week. Exactly what that point was, however, will be lost somewhere along the way.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 You will be a bit disappointed this week to find that jail was not at all like you had expected it to be.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 It’s not what the pants look like but how you wear them. But the stars would like to inform you that, despite what the salesperson says, those pants do make you butt look fat.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 Nobody in their right mind would do what they will ask you to do this week. That is exactly why they will ask you.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 It will be in your best interest this week to do precisely what your kidnapper tells you to do.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 After your statue is erected in the local park this week, the seagulls will fight over which one gets to shit on your head first.
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Love is in the stars for you this week, which means the guards at the retirement home will be on full alert again.
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 Accounts will vary as to what pushed you over the edge this week, but everyone will agree that they had no idea you were able to scream for that long.