It’s Debate Time

JUDGE: Welcome all to the fifth and final night of Debate Week. Our finalist teams are the Pests and the Pussycats. The topic is--- PEST #1: No! I disagree, and I can prove it!

PEST #2: Easy there, Jeff. The debate hasn’t started yet. This is just the introduction.

PEST #1: Oh, then I rest my case.

JUDGE: Ahem. As I was saying, the topic is “Nuclear power is the future”. The Pests will be designated as Affirmative, and the---

PEST #1: Ok, the topic is a good one, because we’re here to debate and we need a topic. Also, I’d like to point out a research done in the ‘70s---

PEST #2: Jeff, shut up, it’s still the introduction!

PEST #1: Well I wish they’d get on with it, I’m all revved up.

JUDGE: Great. Anyway. Um. Yeah, the Pests are designated as Affirmative and the Pussycats as Negative. The Pussycats will start with their argumentation, and after 10 minutes the Pests will have the floor. You will wait for my signal to be---

PEST #1: So, I think nuclear power is awesome, because it’s so powerful and easy to come by.

PEST #2: Jeff, we go second! Will you just sit still, shut up and let the Cats go first?

PEST #1: Dude, stop shouting at me, we’re in the same team.

JUDGE: If the Pests can’t adhere to our rules of etiquette, I’m afraid I will be forced to disqualify the team from this competition.

PEST #1: That’s right, Pussies! Shut up or you’ll lose! Losers.

PEST #2: Jeff, the judge means us! Now be quiet or we’ll lose before we get to say anything!

PEST #1: Oh don’t be such a worrier, Nick. I’ve had plenty of say already, and I’ve got the feeling we’re way ahead.

PEST #2: But the bloody thing hasn’t even started yet! All you’ve done is piss off the judge and me. Now do you think you can shut up for 10 minutes while the Cats make their opening argument, or should we just call it quits right now?

PEST #1: Jeez al-Beez, Nick. Take a chill pill. I’ll be quiet, don’t worry about me. Besides, you’re making much more noise than I am.

PEST #2: (silent indignation).

JUDGE: Very good. Ok, Pussycats, the floor is yours.

CAT #1: Thank you, your honour. It is not our aim to overlook the advantages of nuclear power, especially in this day and age when alternative sources of energy are in high demand but still a rare commodity. However---

PEST #1: Hah! We won! Those idiots just admitted that nuclear power is great!

PEST #2: You stupid dick! Will you just shut the hell up! When was the last time you ever let anyone finish a sen---

PEST #1: Oh don’t be such an animal, Nick. You’re ruining our victory.

JUDGE: This is your final warning, Pests. Nicholas, I strongly advise you to restrain your colleague or you will be out of the game.

PEST #2: There! You heard the judge! God, you’re such an annoyance. I only wish Bob hadn’t injured himself mysteriously last night, or he’d be here with me instead of you.

PEST #1: Yeah. “Mysteriously”. Ha. Ha. Bitch never knew what hit him, did he?

PEST #2: What? Jeff, did you have something to do with Bob’s injury?

PEST #1: No, of course not. How in all the world could you blame me for setting his shirt on fire?

JUDGE: Enough with the domestic squabble. We’re here to debate. Cats, please continue.

CAT #1: We will, your honour. Now, as we pointed out, all recent research concludes unanimously that the disadvantages of harnessing nuclear power outmatch its advantages---

PEST #1: You know, that Harry there’s been cheating on his wife for the last two years.

CAT #1: Put a cork in it Jeff, my personal life is no one else’s business!

PEST #1: Afraid to admit the truth, Harry, you little horny rabbit?

CAT #2: Harry, is this true?

CAT #1: Prunilda, I swear it isn’t. There’s only ever been you!

PEST #1: Yeah, right. I’m sure Kathleen would disagree.

CAT #2: Kathleen? Our maid? Harry! How on earth could you?

CAT #1: But Pru, I swear. There’s nothing between me and Kat.

PEST #1: Ah, “Kat” he’s calling her now. Pru, if I were you, I’d have a serious chat with my hubby right now.

CAT #2: You bastard! You lying, cheating bastard!

JUDGE: Will the Pussycats please control their outbursts and stick to the subject.

CAT #1: It was just once, love! I never meant for you to find out! Besides, we didn’t do it in our bed.

CAT #2: What? You screwed that bitch in our house?

CAT #1: Yes. No. I mean... oh I love you, Pru!

JUDGE: Pussycats, this is your final warning. Stick to the subject or I will be forced to hand down the victory to the Pests!

CAT #2: Oh shut your squabble, Harry. You’re filthy and you’re a liar. I never want to see you again!

JUDGE: That’s it. I’ve had enough. Pussycats, you are hereby disqualified from this competition. Pests, congratulations.

PEST #1: Yay, Nick, we did it! I always knew we’d win this thing!

PEST #2: Funny, somehow this doesn’t seem like a victory to me.

PEST #1: Oh, don’t be such a spoilsport. We found the trigger and we pulled it. A fantastic debate!

CAT #1: Oh, Jeff, can I have a word with you?

PEST #1: It was nice knowing you, Nick.

PEST #2: You too, Jeff. See you in hell. [tags]debate, cheat[/tags]

Damnation Without Relief

Rex Jenkins – A Modern Day Hero