A few hours in the life of a Department of Political Correctness official. [Phone rings] Department official: You’ve reached the Department of Political Correctness, how may we help you? Caller 1: Yeah, hi. I’m hoping to do a little of the old S-E-X with the little missus, but I’m afraid she’ll reject me if I’m too blunt. How can I go about this the politically correct way? Department official: Ask her to join you in an erotic negotiation. If that doesn’t work or she doesn’t get it, you could always suggest limbic entanglement. Caller 1: Great! I’ll do as you suggested. Maybe I’ll get some sweet lovin’ tonight, then! Department official: Good luck, sir. Just one other thing, though. The term ‘little missus’ has been deemed Extremely Offensive by the Department and should be replaced by spatially unobtrusive spouse with no penis. I’m not even going to address all the faults with ‘sweet lovin’’, just never say it again. Caller 1: Ooh, that’s good to know. Thank you, goodbye.
[Phone rings] Department official: You’ve reached the Department of Political Correctness, how may we help you? Caller 2: I got a severe chiding from Mother for calling my little brother ugly. Mother said I should’ve said that my brother has a turbulent countenance instead. My little brother is so ugly that neighbouring nations would go to war just to see who’s first in planting a paper bag over his face, and so I think that the term turbulent countenance is far too lame to describe his hideousness. What could I use to better describe him? Department official: Your mother was correct in offering turbulent countenance as the politically correct alternative to the long abandoned archaism ‘ugly’. However, if you really wish to make a point about your brother’s looks, I do have another term you could use. Mind you though, this is in no ways an official Department term, and can be seen as pushing the borders. The term I’m suggesting is cosmetically execrable. Caller 2: Wow, I’ll definitely try that one. Thanks a lot!
[Phone rings] Department official: You’ve reached the Department of Political Correctness, how may we help you? Caller 3 [in a whisper]: You have to help me. I’m taking my Political Correctness exam at school and I said I have to go to the bathroom. Can you translate some words to Politically Correct for me? Department official: Well, this is highly irregular, but since your intentions are almost pure, I’ll be glad to help. Caller 3: A fart. Department official: An orificial tremulent. Caller 3: Fat. Department official: Horizontally enhanced. Caller 3: Dead. Department official: Maximally entropic. Caller 3: Thanks! Department official: Expression of gratitude. Caller 3: No, no, that’s all I need. Department official: Negation negation, antecedent to determiner is sufficient. Caller 3: Stop translating! Department official: Desist religiously, politically, ethnically and universally non-biased interlingual re-authoring. Caller 3: [hangs up] Department official: Stupid git.
[A short while later] Department head: Hey Bob, how’s it going? Department official: The usual. A bunch of whining little fucks doing a good job in making my life miserable. Department head: Ahem, what did you forget? Department official: Uh, sorry. The usual, sir. Department head: Well done with the Politically Correct, we are, after all, an example to others. Carry on. [tags]politically, correct[/tags]