Perspective! Vol. 1

Perspective! gives you the straight answers to your skewed questions. Perspective

From time to time, we all have a problem we can’t seem to solve on our own. Where to turn? Friends? They’re sick of hearing your story. Parents? They’re old; don’t shock them with your tales of “romantic” woe. A trusted teacher or religious advisor? Sure, if you bothered to go to class or church anymore. No, these will not work for you. You, instead, will turn to that great source of all life’s answers- the internet. And not just any old yahoo or google. What you need is some Perspective. My perspective. Because I can see your problem and the solution without that pesky self-involvement or risk of consequences that you have. Also because I will not piss on your shoe and tell you it’s raining. I will tell you the truth, even if it hurts. Hurts you, not me, of course. So, ask away, pour out your pain, give me your story and I will give you some advice.

Send those questions to:

Here’s letters from a few folks who have beat you to it...

Dear Perspective,I’m in love with a friend who is married. I think he likes me too but we’ve never discussed it. We talk and email every day but only see each other once a month. Next time I see him, I’m going to tell him how I feel. What should I do if he says he feels the same way?Wondering in Wales

Dear Wondering,

Tell him! Then beg him not to divorce but take you on as a mistress. That’s so much more drama. And it’s drama you’re looking for, not a real relationship. Which is just fine for soap opera characters, 13 year-olds and dirty whores. Perspective assumes you are at least one, if not all of these. Best of luck to you. Be sure to write when both you and the wife are pregnant at the same time and you’re considering paying her a visit.

But really, this reminds me of Elizabeth Taylor and Eddie Fisher. Only they were probably much better looking and more glamorous than all of you. Either way, if it didn’t work for them, with all that money and prettiness, what makes you think it’ll work for you? It won’t. Give it up. Reassure yourself that you’re saving the cost of a divorce and he’s saving the cost of two.

Dear Perspective,I think my son is gay. He’s 14, has never had a girlfriend, likes to help me shop for clothes and has posters of male actors and singers on his bedroom walls. I would like him to tell me if he is but I don’t know how to approach the subject. What should I say?Knocking on the closet door

Dear Knocking,

Good impulse! Possibly too early to act on it as he’s still young. Anyway, here’s two suggestions for what to say to your son now or in the near future:

Impulse Suggestion:

Are you picking out skinny jeans and gossamer tops because Mommy dresses like a color blind homeless hippie and embarrasses you at school or because you’re gay and Lord knows the gays know fashion? Either way, it’s fine with me.

Considered Suggestion:

You know Mommy loves you no matter who you love, right? Good. Anything you want to tell me? Maybe later? Let’s hit the Prada sale and see if anything comes to mind.

Dear Perspective,I’m a freshman at a very well known American university. I was the smartest kid in my high school but can’t compete with my classmates here. I recently submitted a plagiarized paper to my English professor. She gave me an ‘A’ and said I was beginning to show promise. Obviously, this makes me feel dumber. Should I confess and take an ‘F’ or just never do it again and accept I’ll never be the best?Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater

Dear Cheater,

The important thing to remember here is that you might be a loser. You lost the chance to improve your writing through a sincere effort and valuable feedback from your teacher. Are you also going to lose the chance to maintain your self-respect? Which would you rather live with- success you didn’t earn (and its attendant guilt) or self-knowledge you did? Sure, I’m supposed to give you answers, not questions, but I think you can see where I’m leaning. And, really, I say the important question is why you feel inferior to those around you. Stop trying to live up to others’ accomplishments and you just might make your own.

PS- I hope you enjoy that class when you take it again next semester.

Readers: Submit those questions to Perspective! [tags]perspective, advice, marriage[/tags]

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