Horoscopes for February 4, 2008

The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.

	Aries March 21 – April 19 This week, instead of upsetting you, the fact that your boyfriend is always going somewhere and doing something will make you realize that you are dating one cool mama jama.
	Taurus April 20 - May 20 Despite your best attempts this week, people will still not put any value into the things you say and, therefore, continue to be friends with you.
	Gemini May 21 - June 21 This week you will prove that whether or not people who ride bikes in Finland in the winter deserve to fall on their faces is a debatable topic, and that whether or not to push them onto said faces is not.
	Cancer June 22 - July 23 Traveling abroad can teach you many things. For example, this week you will learn how to make party.
	Leo July 24 - August 22 This week, you will assume, and expect people to believe, that since Mark Twain knew Finnish people and you know Finnish people, then you and Mark Twain are pretty much the same person.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 One thing will lead to another this week and you will once again wind up reading your horoscope without laughing.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 A profound revelation will occur to you this week after you realize that using hair gel to make your hair look like bed-head can be easily replaced by just waking up and not washing your hair.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 You will inadvertently secure you position as a crowd pleaser this week when you provide the joke of a lifetime and purposely name your child after a popular 80’s punk rock band.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Your physical attraction to Vladimir Putin places you in a very small social group and after meeting that group this week, you will realize it is not the place you want to be. But at least you got a better chance at that hunky piece of Russian man meat than any of the others.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 This is a week that will go down in history for you when you meet a paranormal ghost hunters team and are able to publish an investigative novel about the dorkiest people on the planet, the members of a paranormal ghost hunters team.
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 This week you will use 1½ ounces of vodka to make a great sex on the beach and 1½ gallons of vodka to make a great sex on the beach story.
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 Your horoscope is late this week because the stars are lazy.