A letter to the government from one of the less fortunate members of our society. On the Subject of Receiving Disability Aid for Anosmia:
February 7, 2008
Joseph J. McVeigh 1234 Shnoz Street 00001 Helsinki Finland
This letter is a request for financial aid from the government based on a disability of anosmia, i.e. loss of the sense of smell.
The reasons I have for requesting financial aid for this handicap are as limitless as are the hairs in my nose – and at least as substantial. First, what I call my beak, or “sailboat”, reason is that anosmatics are not represented in society like the other physical disabilities. We have no support groups, we have no therapy clinics. It is as if we are being disregarded. And, to my knowledge, there are no known anosmatics serving in the government. Even if there were, would any amount of blowing free the chambers of our government from the boogers that infest them? Truly the blockage by – excuse my French – les snotiés leaves us invalids with nothing to sniff. Metaphorically, how are we to stop and smell the roses of government aid when there are no roses to smell?
This talk of roses and society pulls my heart strings so as to remind me of my plight. May I be candid with you, sir? Of course I may, because for what other reason are you a government employee than to hear the honks of the noses of the less fortunate? Yea, where would we deficients be without our government’s deficiency? It is my heart, sir, I need to tell you about my ailing heart. Although my heart can no longer smell, it can still feel. And it feels mucusy. You see, I am being lied to; straight, outright, up and down lied to. And lied to in the worst of all moments – when nature calls while I’m not at home. People promise me that the public restroom doesn’t stink. But I know the truth, I am not an idiot. I know they are lying to me like a blind man knows people are making faces at him. And it is the knowing that hurts, not the putrid smell.
To get back, I am sure that the discussion of not being able to smell public restrooms has given you the idea that losing the sense of one’s smell may actually work as an advantage in some cases. But it is not so, I can assure you. For you, the stench of a lavatory makes you wish you were not able to smell. But it also makes you appreciate the smell of your home, your clothes, and even your wife. But to me, the lavatory smells just like everything else and everything smells of the lavatory. Do you see the terrible progression of these facts? For my sake and yours, I hope this letter does not start an acquaintance between us, because I could not bear going to your home and meeting you or your wife – all which stink of the latrine.
Although the first reason I gave was cause enough to put this letter down and act immediately, I trust by the fact that you are reading this part that you are indeed one of those wonderful government employees who does not just impulsively decide that they can do nothing, but waits to hear all the facts before they say that the matter does not fall under their jurisdiction and, even so, their hands are tied and nothing can be done. So, after that time comes when you realize how helpless you are in granting me a needed disability payment, please at least do me the favor of taking a good, long sniff the next time you are in a public restroom.
Joseph J. McVeigh [tags]anosmia, aid, smell[/tags]