Horoscopes for October 22, 2007

The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.

	Aries March 21 – April 19 You won’t remember exactly where you were this week, but the location and severity of the pain will tell more of the story than you’d care to know.
	Taurus April 20 - May 20 Taken in context, most people will agree with you this week that those senior citizens had it coming. Taken out of context, however, and you might be tried for stalking.
	Gemini May 21 - June 21 The stars would like you to know that your life will play out like a car commercial this week. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
	Cancer June 22 - July 23 The debate over nose-picking is split, but everyone will agree this week that no one does it quite like you.
	Leo July 24 - August 22 Consternation will arise this week when your unappreciative girlfriend is the only one around to hear possibly the best fart you’ve ripped to date.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 You will feel slightly like St. Francis D’Assisi or Snow White this week, as the animals of the forest gather round you. They will not, however, be singing, nor will they be herbivores.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 How it got there will not be important to you, nor will how long it has been there. All you will care about this week is how to destroy it.
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 Always quick with a turn of phrase, Scorpio, you will be at a loss for words this week when you are caught using tongue steroids.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Your ability to exploit those around you will come to an end this week when you, yourself, are tricked into becoming the official taste-tester of a Chinese toy factory.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 No more Mr. Nice Guy this week as the whiskey and Quaaludes finally erase all traces or memories of him.
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 There will be a train leaving at 11:00 p.m. sharp this evening. Be on it if you wish to have any chance of escaping that deranged lunatic.
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 There will be a train leaving at 11:00 p.m. sharp this evening. Be on it if you wish to have any chance of bringing your deranged, lunatic fantasy to fruition.