Horoscopes for November 5, 2007

The stars impart their weekly dose of wisdom for you lost souls.

	Aries March 21 – April 19 Always looking on the bright side of things, your boyfriend will note this week that, while you are definitely bored, you have yet to become boring.
	Taurus April 20 - May 20 You will really stick it to your nemesis, Billy Joel, this week when you prove that he was wrong for saying “only the good die young”.
	Gemini May 21 - June 21 You will move forward through time and space this week, as the planet will continue to rotate while it revolves and time will continue to march steadily on.
	Cancer June 22 - July 23 In what will later be described as one of the best displays of irony in recent times, you will find out that you are the last living specimen of an ancient race of beings that can actually predict the future through sexual climax but that also lack the very human ability to go back on their word only moments after taking a vow of celibacy.
	Leo July 24 - August 22 At the risk of having their advice fall upon deaf ears, the stars would like to suggest that you get a new hat because, at least from where they’re sitting, you look like an idiot.
	Virgo August 23 – September 22 This week will bring confusion as you won’t be able to deciding which is more depressing: the fact that you are crushed to death by a monster trunk or the fact that you more distressed about making a mess all over the sidewalk than you are about dying.
	Libra September 23 – October 23 This week will see you in court over that thing with the guy and that squirrel last year in the park in broad freaking daylight, what were you thinking?!
	Scorpio October 24 – November 21 After this week, being the best dressed will no longer have the importance to you that it once did considering that, from now on, you will be the only one who is dressed.
	Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 The stars would like to remind you to read your horoscope here every week because very soon you will be advised on which wire to cut. That is one you don’t want to miss.
	Capricorn December 22 – January 19 No one understood the shit you pulled last week, why should this week be any different?
	Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Much to the chagrin of others this week, you will learn and relish in the fact that you alone are holding back a unanimous consensus on the idea of a perfect world.
	Pisces February 19 – March 20 The stars would like to advise you to be a good person this week. It is, after all, your turn anyway.