Being non-binary, I have to be trans out loud or I will get misgendered. Those are my only options. It is exhausting. There are so many things that make living as a trans person exhausting, from inappropriate curiosities about names, genitalia, and surgeries to unsolicited opinions about the ”choices” we are making. Just as a reminder, being trans is not a choice. And as a rule of thumb, if you would not feel comfortable asking your question of a cis person, you should not be asking it of a trans person either.
Constantly having to come out is hard, especially when meeting new people. I am never gendered correctly. The concept of passing does not apply to me. It’s understandable, we have all been hardwired into binary thinking on most things regarding gender. You see someone and you automatically put them into one of two categories: man or woman. I am neither. Almost always assumptions about me are wrong. But I don’t hold it against people, it’s what they’ve learned. It would be sweet if we could all do our part in unlearning it, though. Just an idea.
Even though I know most people mean no harm by it, it does weigh on me. I don’t always take it personally, but I have the right to! Try living with everyone assuming you’re something you’re not every day and see how it affects you. I believe this is called minority stress. I am not always in the mood to be understanding of the people misunderstanding me. That seems fair. Maybe everyone ought to do their part, so all people could feel less misunderstood?
Even though I am, I feel guilt for calling myself trans. I feel trans, I feel I was mistaken for something I am not based on my genitalia, raised into a mold I don’t fit in, and finally found my own identity later. I transitioned from a role assigned to me into a role that feels right for me. Part of the guilt is definitely internalized, but a big part comes from people outright saying that they don’t consider non-binary identities to fit the trans category. I feel taken less seriously even by my queer peers because my identity does not fit the binary. I might not be as palatable to some because it isn’t a clear enough ”transition” to go from one end of a spectrum to off the spectrum entirely. I would love for people to remember that categorizing other people’s identities is not their job to do. For something that feels so natural and obvious to me, it does seem hard for some to grasp. Just as you know yourself best, trust that other people know themselves best as well.
It is frustrating to be doubted about something I am so sure about. I am generally an unsure person; I never know what I'm doing! Question me about something else, it might even work! But this is one of the things I do know. Why would you assume you know anything about my experience as a trans person? I know me, I have kind of lived with myself my whole life. So please, don’t think you know me better than I know myself.
I also feel I've been seen as ”trans lite”. Like not fully there, not fully understanding my identity since it isn’t from male to female or female to male. I just do not fit into those categories. In my head things I am and do don't have gender. I just am. I do as I feel fit. Calling myself either a man or a woman would be lying. I love myself the way I am. I understand myself. My life is infinitely less complicated since I stopped trying to navigate my existence through gender. I feel free and happy as who I am.
I suspect that everything from clothing, to toilets, to toys, to even lip balm being labeled for either men or women makes it harder for people with binary identities to grasp that there are identities beyond these two categories. The fact that in most places, you legally have to have either male or female on your passport, does its own part in keeping non-binary experiences and identities hidden. It is a conscious effort to unlearn binary thinking, and our environment doesn’t exactly encourage it. Awareness of these topics has gotten better in recent years, but a lot still needs to be done. And I hope everyone does their part in thinking outside the binary to make this world a more accepting and inclusive place.
